"Whoa"

He doesn't want to marry me.  "Leery" and "cautious" are words that were used.  Not specifically due to me, at least he denies the fact, since he was married before it stems from that, but wow... not what I wanted to hear.  AT. ALL.

13 Weeks

Do you think it's any coincidence that week 13 of this deployment has been by far the hardest week yet?

Let me take a run down of it all... We are in the midst of our longest lack of communication ever since our relationship started, so not only do I have that new feeling to deal with, it's magnified due to him being deployed.  Trying to heal the wound of finding out he's not coming home for leave and it being ripped open again every time I look at the calendar.  Having my heart broken all over again after a family fall-out that will prevent me from seeing my two young nieces for the foreseeable future, which happened the day before I was supposed to babysit them for three days.  My birthday is due to fall on him being gone 100 days.  And because of a friend's slip of the tongue and then of course the fall out with my family, my surprise birthday party was revealed and then promptly cancelled, and I had to be the one to tell everyone it was cancelled.

It's been one hell of a week.  Lots and lots of crying.  We don't get leave.  He can't come home for his grandparents 65 wedding anniversary party.  I haven't heard his voice or seen his face in a very long time, and it's going to be a long time still until he comes home... what if I forget what he looks like and sounds like?  How is this separation going to affect us once he is home?  That question alone has a million sub-questions.  It plays in my mind non-stop.  It's really devastating.  But, I have to carry on like I'm unaffected.  No one understands.  No one even asks how I'm doing.  They have no idea.  I have no one to talk to.  I can't even tell him... not only because right now I have no way of contacting him, but I can't tell him how I'm feeling... he's under enough stress as it is.

On the upside though, I took this coming Monday and Tuesday off to relax for my birthday.  And at work today I had a lovely miniature rose plant delivered and the card read something like, we will be out of touch for a while but I wanted to let you know I think of you ALWAYS.

I'll never forget when Matt found out we got our new apartment, this is how he broke the news to me... "I have good news and I have bad news.  Good news is, we got the apartment!  Bad news is, we are #13."  I thought it was totally cute at the time and my reply was, "so what, it's just a number, we got the apartment!!!"

Now I'm back to firmly believing that the number 13 is not a good number.

"Oh, by the way"

Exactly a month to the day that DB was supposed to arrive home for R&R, we were told it would not be a paid leave, he would have to pay for the air fare.  Even though two months ago he inquired about leave and was told he qualified and should put in his request asap.  Of course we can not afford it, it's an absurd amount since he has to go here and then there and then here and then there.  But in the military's normal fashion, they went and FUCKED EVERYTHING UP.  Because, really, that's what they do best.