29 May 2011
"Whoa"
He doesn't want to marry me. "Leery" and "cautious" are words that were used. Not specifically due to me, at least he denies the fact, since he was married before it stems from that, but wow... not what I wanted to hear. AT. ALL.
06 May 2011
13 Weeks
Do you think it's any coincidence that week 13 of this deployment has been by far the hardest week yet?
Let me take a run down of it all... We are in the midst of our longest lack of communication ever since our relationship started, so not only do I have that new feeling to deal with, it's magnified due to him being deployed. Trying to heal the wound of finding out he's not coming home for leave and it being ripped open again every time I look at the calendar. Having my heart broken all over again after a family fall-out that will prevent me from seeing my two young nieces for the foreseeable future, which happened the day before I was supposed to babysit them for three days. My birthday is due to fall on him being gone 100 days. And because of a friend's slip of the tongue and then of course the fall out with my family, my surprise birthday party was revealed and then promptly cancelled, and I had to be the one to tell everyone it was cancelled.
It's been one hell of a week. Lots and lots of crying. We don't get leave. He can't come home for his grandparents 65 wedding anniversary party. I haven't heard his voice or seen his face in a very long time, and it's going to be a long time still until he comes home... what if I forget what he looks like and sounds like? How is this separation going to affect us once he is home? That question alone has a million sub-questions. It plays in my mind non-stop. It's really devastating. But, I have to carry on like I'm unaffected. No one understands. No one even asks how I'm doing. They have no idea. I have no one to talk to. I can't even tell him... not only because right now I have no way of contacting him, but I can't tell him how I'm feeling... he's under enough stress as it is.
On the upside though, I took this coming Monday and Tuesday off to relax for my birthday. And at work today I had a lovely miniature rose plant delivered and the card read something like, we will be out of touch for a while but I wanted to let you know I think of you ALWAYS.
I'll never forget when Matt found out we got our new apartment, this is how he broke the news to me... "I have good news and I have bad news. Good news is, we got the apartment! Bad news is, we are #13." I thought it was totally cute at the time and my reply was, "so what, it's just a number, we got the apartment!!!"
Now I'm back to firmly believing that the number 13 is not a good number.
Let me take a run down of it all... We are in the midst of our longest lack of communication ever since our relationship started, so not only do I have that new feeling to deal with, it's magnified due to him being deployed. Trying to heal the wound of finding out he's not coming home for leave and it being ripped open again every time I look at the calendar. Having my heart broken all over again after a family fall-out that will prevent me from seeing my two young nieces for the foreseeable future, which happened the day before I was supposed to babysit them for three days. My birthday is due to fall on him being gone 100 days. And because of a friend's slip of the tongue and then of course the fall out with my family, my surprise birthday party was revealed and then promptly cancelled, and I had to be the one to tell everyone it was cancelled.
It's been one hell of a week. Lots and lots of crying. We don't get leave. He can't come home for his grandparents 65 wedding anniversary party. I haven't heard his voice or seen his face in a very long time, and it's going to be a long time still until he comes home... what if I forget what he looks like and sounds like? How is this separation going to affect us once he is home? That question alone has a million sub-questions. It plays in my mind non-stop. It's really devastating. But, I have to carry on like I'm unaffected. No one understands. No one even asks how I'm doing. They have no idea. I have no one to talk to. I can't even tell him... not only because right now I have no way of contacting him, but I can't tell him how I'm feeling... he's under enough stress as it is.
On the upside though, I took this coming Monday and Tuesday off to relax for my birthday. And at work today I had a lovely miniature rose plant delivered and the card read something like, we will be out of touch for a while but I wanted to let you know I think of you ALWAYS.
I'll never forget when Matt found out we got our new apartment, this is how he broke the news to me... "I have good news and I have bad news. Good news is, we got the apartment! Bad news is, we are #13." I thought it was totally cute at the time and my reply was, "so what, it's just a number, we got the apartment!!!"
Now I'm back to firmly believing that the number 13 is not a good number.
04 May 2011
"Oh, by the way"
Exactly a month to the day that DB was supposed to arrive home for R&R, we were told it would not be a paid leave, he would have to pay for the air fare. Even though two months ago he inquired about leave and was told he qualified and should put in his request asap. Of course we can not afford it, it's an absurd amount since he has to go here and then there and then here and then there. But in the military's normal fashion, they went and FUCKED EVERYTHING UP. Because, really, that's what they do best.
04 April 2011
16 March 2011
Hmmm
It's only been 45 days into this deployment and not only I am already feeling like we are in the thick of things (even though we totally are NOT), I've started to really have a chance to evaluate things and think about me and what I want. And what I don't want. And what the F*CK and I'm going to do?!?! Stressful to say the least.
I have to admit, there's a side to me that is so utterly bitter and angry, you do NOT even want to know the words I would like to spew out my mouth. They would be hurtful to some people and possibly things I'd regret spewing.
I don't know if I can do this. Or if it will be worth it. Or if I even want to. Who ever really knows, right?
Totally having doubts. Not feeling it. And honestly, wanting to get over it.
And just for fun, let's top it off a bit. Tomorrow I have an appointment for an ultrasound that will determine my future. Not only the future of me possibly having children, but of me being alive. Yes, it's kind of that serious. I told DB I have this appointment... which is veeerrrryyyyy long overdue and something he's been nagging me about for a loooonnnggg time ... and what is his response?
"Best of luck".
No. Best of luck to you, dude.
I have to admit, there's a side to me that is so utterly bitter and angry, you do NOT even want to know the words I would like to spew out my mouth. They would be hurtful to some people and possibly things I'd regret spewing.
I don't know if I can do this. Or if it will be worth it. Or if I even want to. Who ever really knows, right?
Totally having doubts. Not feeling it. And honestly, wanting to get over it.
And just for fun, let's top it off a bit. Tomorrow I have an appointment for an ultrasound that will determine my future. Not only the future of me possibly having children, but of me being alive. Yes, it's kind of that serious. I told DB I have this appointment... which is veeerrrryyyyy long overdue and something he's been nagging me about for a loooonnnggg time ... and what is his response?
"Best of luck".
No. Best of luck to you, dude.
11 March 2011
10 March 2011
40 Days
Yes, today marks 40 days since he left. As it turns out, it's also my 100th post.
40 days seems like some kind of milestone worth mentioning, but it's only about 6 weeks, which is really nothing. But even though it's only been a short time since he's been gone, I can't believe how much more stress I feel everyday. It wears me out emotionally. Would be nice if it would wear me out physically so I could sleep better, but no.
I wish I had something positive or witty or uplifting to write about but I don't. It's not like anyone is reading this anyway. Sometimes I just want to pour it all out on here instead of in my deployment journal which takes much more time and energy to do.
One more hour long commute to work, which will likely take two due to flooding, and then the same on the drive home, and then two days off with nothing planned. Nothing but a little less stress to deal with.
40 days seems like some kind of milestone worth mentioning, but it's only about 6 weeks, which is really nothing. But even though it's only been a short time since he's been gone, I can't believe how much more stress I feel everyday. It wears me out emotionally. Would be nice if it would wear me out physically so I could sleep better, but no.
I wish I had something positive or witty or uplifting to write about but I don't. It's not like anyone is reading this anyway. Sometimes I just want to pour it all out on here instead of in my deployment journal which takes much more time and energy to do.
One more hour long commute to work, which will likely take two due to flooding, and then the same on the drive home, and then two days off with nothing planned. Nothing but a little less stress to deal with.
06 March 2011
Sick of it all.
It's starting to get difficult now. My stress level is pretty high most of the time. I miss him terribly. Communication has decreased a lot. He doesn't have internet access for the foreseeable future. We don't know why, it's just shut off. Satellite phone is/has been a possibility but is mostly unreliable, which is very frustrating.
I did get to speak to him briefly last night and told him that my nieces were spending the weekend with me. He asked me where they were sleeping and I said "my bed". So he says, "your bed?" I corrected myself and said, "I mean, our bed, but it feels like it's just my bed now".
I'm totally drained. I keep telling him that I don't think I can do this much longer, but he only gets upset at me (read: angry, frustrated, etc). I say what's ahead of us is daunting. He says it may be, but it's not insurmountable.
Easy for him to say.
Two hours of my day is spent commuting to and from work - to a job I don't like in a state I don't live - but really that's four hours out of my day if you factor in the hour it takes me to get ready in the morning and the hour it takes me to settle in after I get home from work (changing, nuking dinner, planning the next day's lunch, unwinding...).
I hate my life right now. I'm grateful that I have a job and a home, because a lot of people don't even have those things, but I'm becoming very unhappy.
I did get to speak to him briefly last night and told him that my nieces were spending the weekend with me. He asked me where they were sleeping and I said "my bed". So he says, "your bed?" I corrected myself and said, "I mean, our bed, but it feels like it's just my bed now".
I'm totally drained. I keep telling him that I don't think I can do this much longer, but he only gets upset at me (read: angry, frustrated, etc). I say what's ahead of us is daunting. He says it may be, but it's not insurmountable.
Easy for him to say.
Two hours of my day is spent commuting to and from work - to a job I don't like in a state I don't live - but really that's four hours out of my day if you factor in the hour it takes me to get ready in the morning and the hour it takes me to settle in after I get home from work (changing, nuking dinner, planning the next day's lunch, unwinding...).
I hate my life right now. I'm grateful that I have a job and a home, because a lot of people don't even have those things, but I'm becoming very unhappy.
02 March 2011
UPS store clerk, I don't like you.
I give up on the photo challenge. Don't even know how many days behind I am, so oh well!
Last several days have been sort of an emotional roller coaster. I go from feeling like the luckiest girl on earth to have such a wonderful man in my life to feeling like I cannot survive another day of this deployment trying to be sooo strong when I really don't think I'm that strong. People tell me that I am. Matt even tells me that I am much stronger physically, mentally and emotionally than I realize. When I think about it, he's probably right. I think that goes for everyone though. I am trying to hold it together, and I do think I've done pretty well so far, but sometimes I just break down.
Like today after I left the UPS store... maybe I was being dumb or just overly hopeful, but I brought one of those APO/FPO Priority Mail flat rate boxes from the USPS to the store today hoping they could mail it out for me. I asked if they mailed out post office stuff and the clerk looks at the box (which clearly says what it is) and he's like, welllll I guess we could. So I wait as he tries to figure out how to input into the computer the mailing address with his manager, he's chatting with me about deployment and the recent killings in Germany (my God, how tragic), and he actually asked and seemed interested in how and where he is, but I was counting the minutes until I need to get back to work. I had eaten my lunch during my 15 minute morning break so that I would have enough time to drive to the UPS store (didn't have enough time to drive to the real post office) so that I could mail out the care package during my lunch. Well, after all that, he tells me the total price and of course its way above the flat rate price I was expecting. Soooo, I angrily took my package back and I got very upset. My lunchtime is the only time Matt and I get to chat, so here I am driving back to work, crying AND texting (actually IMing) him on my phone. Having a breakdown, saying I can't take the stress and I try so hard and always fail, and I just want to do nice things for him and he doesn't appreciate it (HUH?!) It makes no sense why, but I had a meltdown.
Last several days have been sort of an emotional roller coaster. I go from feeling like the luckiest girl on earth to have such a wonderful man in my life to feeling like I cannot survive another day of this deployment trying to be sooo strong when I really don't think I'm that strong. People tell me that I am. Matt even tells me that I am much stronger physically, mentally and emotionally than I realize. When I think about it, he's probably right. I think that goes for everyone though. I am trying to hold it together, and I do think I've done pretty well so far, but sometimes I just break down.
Like today after I left the UPS store... maybe I was being dumb or just overly hopeful, but I brought one of those APO/FPO Priority Mail flat rate boxes from the USPS to the store today hoping they could mail it out for me. I asked if they mailed out post office stuff and the clerk looks at the box (which clearly says what it is) and he's like, welllll I guess we could. So I wait as he tries to figure out how to input into the computer the mailing address with his manager, he's chatting with me about deployment and the recent killings in Germany (my God, how tragic), and he actually asked and seemed interested in how and where he is, but I was counting the minutes until I need to get back to work. I had eaten my lunch during my 15 minute morning break so that I would have enough time to drive to the UPS store (didn't have enough time to drive to the real post office) so that I could mail out the care package during my lunch. Well, after all that, he tells me the total price and of course its way above the flat rate price I was expecting. Soooo, I angrily took my package back and I got very upset. My lunchtime is the only time Matt and I get to chat, so here I am driving back to work, crying AND texting (actually IMing) him on my phone. Having a breakdown, saying I can't take the stress and I try so hard and always fail, and I just want to do nice things for him and he doesn't appreciate it (HUH?!) It makes no sense why, but I had a meltdown.
24 February 2011
Hey deployment... YOU SUCK.
Feeling really bitter lately about this whole deployment thing. Don't have anything nice to say, so I will say nothing at all.
22 February 2011
A bit bitter maybe? More like a lot.
"How is he doing?!" "Can I have his address?" "What time is it there?!" "Wow he's deployed?!" "Do you get to talk?" "What is he doing?" "Is it like normal work?" "Does he need anything?" "Can I send him something?"
HELLO PEOPLE. He chose this life. He's been doing it for almost 20 years. HE CAN MANAGE JUST FINE. Trust me. Me on the other hand?! I could use a little attention. HE'S FINE. We live in a world with internet and wifi... you wanna send a fucking letter?! Did you even ask how I'm doing?! I'm the one who's stress is manifesting physically. I'm the one who has to live in our house and sleep in our bed alone. I'm the one who just has to carry on like this doesn't affect me. Because WOW he's deployed?! OMG. Yeah, he is. You never heard of such a thing?! And the fucking kicker today... he told people on facebook to email him if anyone wants his address. SOLICITING?! That's what put me over the edge tonight. So pissed off I feel like screaming. The people left behind don't matter.
HELLO PEOPLE. He chose this life. He's been doing it for almost 20 years. HE CAN MANAGE JUST FINE. Trust me. Me on the other hand?! I could use a little attention. HE'S FINE. We live in a world with internet and wifi... you wanna send a fucking letter?! Did you even ask how I'm doing?! I'm the one who's stress is manifesting physically. I'm the one who has to live in our house and sleep in our bed alone. I'm the one who just has to carry on like this doesn't affect me. Because WOW he's deployed?! OMG. Yeah, he is. You never heard of such a thing?! And the fucking kicker today... he told people on facebook to email him if anyone wants his address. SOLICITING?! That's what put me over the edge tonight. So pissed off I feel like screaming. The people left behind don't matter.
21 February 2011
Tragic.
My aunt was killed this morning in a head on collision with a semi truck. There are no other words.
20 February 2011
Skype
Ok I gotta take a break from the Photo challenge because I've had some things to say and I've put it off to keep on the challenge...
We finally got hooked up with webcams. The first moment I saw his face and heard his voice, I cried. I didn't know I'd feel so emotional about it but it made me miss him so much more. His internet is sketchy so it cut out after about 5 minutes but that was fine because my microphone was not working and I was upset.
We have talked about getting tablets (like iPad) so he can easily carry it with him and I can skype during my lunch break. With the time difference, it our only chance to "talk". So last night I bought the Galaxy Tab. I chose it because, well, besides there not being many to choose from, it's the only one I found with a front facing camera. Also, I prefer Android devices and I didn't want to wait for the new iPad (with the front camera) to come out and plus I'm sure it's going to cost hundreds more than the Tab. I've been playing with it constantly and it's kind of funny because it feels like a giant version of my Droid Incredible.
The only thing is... can't video chat between tablet and computer. Uhhggg!!! Seriously?! The techy geniuses out there can't make something for people in my/our situation to easily keep in touch?! I suppose I'll have to lug my laptop back and forth to work everyday because this tablet skype idea is not going to work until he gets one too... which is going to be a long time. If anyone out there has any ideas or suggestions, please share!
On a final positive note, we got to video chat for a long time today! We even played a game of checkers online together! It felt strange and sad at times thinking this was the best contact we'd have for a long time, but it was really awesome to talk and see each other in real time and feel closer to each other. It's scary to think of what's still ahead, but we are both trying to do our best with what we have.
We finally got hooked up with webcams. The first moment I saw his face and heard his voice, I cried. I didn't know I'd feel so emotional about it but it made me miss him so much more. His internet is sketchy so it cut out after about 5 minutes but that was fine because my microphone was not working and I was upset.
We have talked about getting tablets (like iPad) so he can easily carry it with him and I can skype during my lunch break. With the time difference, it our only chance to "talk". So last night I bought the Galaxy Tab. I chose it because, well, besides there not being many to choose from, it's the only one I found with a front facing camera. Also, I prefer Android devices and I didn't want to wait for the new iPad (with the front camera) to come out and plus I'm sure it's going to cost hundreds more than the Tab. I've been playing with it constantly and it's kind of funny because it feels like a giant version of my Droid Incredible.
The only thing is... can't video chat between tablet and computer. Uhhggg!!! Seriously?! The techy geniuses out there can't make something for people in my/our situation to easily keep in touch?! I suppose I'll have to lug my laptop back and forth to work everyday because this tablet skype idea is not going to work until he gets one too... which is going to be a long time. If anyone out there has any ideas or suggestions, please share!
On a final positive note, we got to video chat for a long time today! We even played a game of checkers online together! It felt strange and sad at times thinking this was the best contact we'd have for a long time, but it was really awesome to talk and see each other in real time and feel closer to each other. It's scary to think of what's still ahead, but we are both trying to do our best with what we have.
18 February 2011
17 February 2011
Day 4 - Favorite Photograph of My Best Friend
Of course my best friend is also the love of my life, and this is one of my favorite pictures of him. There are many different sides to this man, and one of them is that he is a DJ in New York City on the weekends. I took this pic of him when we were hanging out in the back room of his club.
16 February 2011
Day 3 - Photo of myself and how my day was
Well gosh, isn't just fitting AGAIN that I just happen to take a picture of myself in my brand new sweatshirt that my DB sent me today, and today is when I need to post such a picture! He's been on the move a lot over the past couple days but today he was able to sneak in a few VERY short phone calls just to say "love you" and we chatted on AIM for a bit too! So because of that I had a great day but when I got home to find a package at my door (seriously, the 4th one in the last week!) and then when I opened it to find what he sent me, my day was made even better! He had a silver dog tag engraved with our names, our anniversary date and "luv 4 evr", a t-shirt that says "I <3 My Soldier", a Blue Star flag for the window, a Blue Star lapel pin, and a Blue Star challenge coin that can be engraved with his name. Plus various pins and magnets for his family. Now, I'm not a materialistic person at all, but receiving gifts to the point of feeling SPOILED does help a girl feel a little better ;) He has totally outdone himself and he hasn't even been gone 3 weeks yet! Did I mention the Tiffany's ring and a box full of 6 pairs of shoes... yes SIX! It still all pales in comparison when I hear him say, "I love you more and more everyday".
15 February 2011
Day 2 - Something I Ate Today
Today is my brother's birthday, so here is a picture of his cake... Red Velvet! Delicious cake, crappy picture!
14 February 2011
Day 1 - Perfect First Date
How fitting that I start this challenge on Valentine's Day and this is the topic I have to post about... (ok truth is I forgot to do it yesterday!)
Our first date was less than perfect, but still wonderful in it's own way. Last Valentine's Day we had brunch at Half Moon restaurant, and this year we celebrated V-Day early and had dinner there a few weeks ago. It's such a romantic place for a perfect first date. Right on the Hudson River with a view of NYC! Gorgeous!
Our first date was less than perfect, but still wonderful in it's own way. Last Valentine's Day we had brunch at Half Moon restaurant, and this year we celebrated V-Day early and had dinner there a few weeks ago. It's such a romantic place for a perfect first date. Right on the Hudson River with a view of NYC! Gorgeous!
12 February 2011
30 Day Photography Challenge
Today marks two weeks down. Feeling not so bad, but he hasn't left the country yet so we still get to chat and text, and lately talk on the phone at night. Yesterday I came home to a little box at my front door... he sent me a Tiffany's ring engraved with "I love you" with his initials on the inside. We decided to exchange "promise rings" this year for Valentine's Day, but mine came a little early. I love it and I love him so much :)
So I'm taking this fun idea from Adrie's Corner... I haven't been so good to keep up with my deployment journal this week so we'll see if I can remember to post a new pic everyday!
Day 1 – Your idea of the perfect first date.
Day 2 – A photo of something you ate today.
Day 3 – A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was.
Day 4 – Your favorite photograph of your best friend.
Day 5 – A photo of yourself two years ago.
Day 6 – A photo of an animal you’d love to keep as a pet.
Day 7 – Your dream wedding.
Day 8 – A song to match your mood.
Day 9 – A photo of the item you last purchased.
Day 10 – A photo of your favorite place to eat.
Day 11 – What’s in your bag?
Day 12 – A photograph of the town you live in.
Day 13 – Your favorite musician and why?
Day 14 – A TV show you’re currently addicted to.
Day 15 – Something you don’t leave the house without.
Day 16 – Your celebrity crush.
Day 17 – A photo of you and your family.
Day 18 – Something you crave a lot.
Day 19 – Another picture of yourself.
Day 20 – The meaning behind your blog name.
Day 21 – A photo of something that makes you happy.
Day 22 – A photo of tw of your favorite animals.
Day 23 – Fave theme park
Day 24 – A photo of something that means a lot to you.
Day 25 – What’s in your purse?
Day 26 – A photo of somewhere you’ve been to.
Day 27 – A picture of you last year and now and how have you changed since then?
Day 28 – Your favorite movie.
Day 29 – Something you could never get tired of doing.
Day 30 – A photograph of youself today + three good things that have happened in the past 30 days
So I'm taking this fun idea from Adrie's Corner... I haven't been so good to keep up with my deployment journal this week so we'll see if I can remember to post a new pic everyday!
Day 1 – Your idea of the perfect first date.
Day 2 – A photo of something you ate today.
Day 3 – A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was.
Day 4 – Your favorite photograph of your best friend.
Day 5 – A photo of yourself two years ago.
Day 6 – A photo of an animal you’d love to keep as a pet.
Day 7 – Your dream wedding.
Day 8 – A song to match your mood.
Day 9 – A photo of the item you last purchased.
Day 10 – A photo of your favorite place to eat.
Day 11 – What’s in your bag?
Day 12 – A photograph of the town you live in.
Day 13 – Your favorite musician and why?
Day 14 – A TV show you’re currently addicted to.
Day 15 – Something you don’t leave the house without.
Day 16 – Your celebrity crush.
Day 17 – A photo of you and your family.
Day 18 – Something you crave a lot.
Day 19 – Another picture of yourself.
Day 20 – The meaning behind your blog name.
Day 21 – A photo of something that makes you happy.
Day 22 – A photo of tw of your favorite animals.
Day 23 – Fave theme park
Day 24 – A photo of something that means a lot to you.
Day 25 – What’s in your purse?
Day 26 – A photo of somewhere you’ve been to.
Day 27 – A picture of you last year and now and how have you changed since then?
Day 28 – Your favorite movie.
Day 29 – Something you could never get tired of doing.
Day 30 – A photograph of youself today + three good things that have happened in the past 30 days
07 February 2011
Normal or Not?
Does it always work like one good day, one bad day? Totally in love and connected one day, disconnected and fighting the next. Or is it just me, or just us? One day I feel secure and alright, the next... lonely and terrified. The good days seems to make the bad days worth it, but it's wearing on me already... or at least it's stressing me out that soon enough it's going to wear me too thin. Soon enough... just the though of what's yet to come, and not knowing what to expect, makes me anxious and worried and very unhappy. At least tonight I had a good cry.
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