UPS store clerk, I don't like you.

I give up on the photo challenge.  Don't even know how many days behind I am, so oh well!

Last several days have been sort of an emotional roller coaster.  I go from feeling like the luckiest girl on earth to have such a wonderful man in my life to feeling like I cannot survive another day of this deployment trying to be sooo strong when I really don't think I'm that strong.  People tell me that I am.  Matt even tells me that I am much stronger physically, mentally and emotionally than I realize.  When I think about it, he's probably right.  I think that goes for everyone though.  I am trying to hold it together, and I do think I've done pretty well so far, but sometimes I just break down.

Like today after I left the UPS store... maybe I was being dumb or just overly hopeful, but I brought one of those APO/FPO Priority Mail flat rate boxes from the USPS to the store today hoping they could mail it out for me.  I asked if they mailed out post office stuff and the clerk looks at the box (which clearly says what it is) and he's like, welllll I guess we could.  So I wait as he tries to figure out how to input into the computer the mailing address with his manager, he's chatting with me about deployment and the recent killings in Germany (my God, how tragic), and he actually asked and seemed interested in how and where he is, but I was counting the minutes until I need to get back to work.  I had eaten my lunch during my 15 minute morning break so that I would have enough time to drive to the UPS store (didn't have enough time to drive to the real post office) so that I could mail out the care package during my lunch.  Well, after all that, he tells me the total price and of course its way above the flat rate price I was expecting.  Soooo, I angrily took my package back and I got very upset.  My lunchtime is the only time Matt and I get to chat, so here I am driving back to work, crying AND texting (actually IMing) him on my phone.  Having a breakdown, saying I can't take the stress and I try so hard and always fail, and I just want to do nice things for him and he doesn't appreciate it (HUH?!)  It makes no sense why, but I had a meltdown.

Hey deployment... YOU SUCK.

Feeling really bitter lately about this whole deployment thing.  Don't have anything nice to say, so I will say nothing at all.

A bit bitter maybe? More like a lot.

"How is he doing?!"  "Can I have his address?"  "What time is it there?!"  "Wow he's deployed?!"  "Do you get to talk?"  "What is he doing?"  "Is it like normal work?"  "Does he need anything?"  "Can I send him something?"

HELLO PEOPLE.  He chose this life.  He's been doing it for almost 20 years.  HE CAN MANAGE JUST FINE.  Trust me.  Me on the other hand?!  I could use a little attention.  HE'S FINE.  We live in a world with internet and wifi... you wanna send a fucking letter?!  Did you even ask how I'm doing?!  I'm the one who's stress is manifesting physically.  I'm the one who has to live in our house and sleep in our bed alone.  I'm the one who just has to carry on like this doesn't affect me.  Because WOW he's deployed?!  OMG.  Yeah, he is.  You never heard of such a thing?!  And the fucking kicker today... he told people on facebook to email him if anyone wants his address.  SOLICITING?!  That's what put me over the edge tonight.  So pissed off I feel like screaming.  The people left behind don't matter.

Tragic.

My aunt was killed this morning in a head on collision with a semi truck.  There are no other words.

Skype

Ok I gotta take a break from the Photo challenge because I've had some things to say and I've put it off to keep on the challenge...

We finally got hooked up with webcams.  The first moment I saw his face and heard his voice, I cried.  I didn't know I'd feel so emotional about it but it made me miss him so much more.  His internet is sketchy so it cut out after about 5 minutes but that was fine because my microphone was not working and I was upset.

We have talked about getting tablets (like iPad) so he can easily carry it with him and I can skype during my lunch break.  With the time difference, it our only chance to "talk".  So last night I bought the Galaxy Tab.  I chose it because, well, besides there not being many to choose from, it's the only one I found with a front facing camera.  Also, I prefer Android devices and I didn't want to wait for the new iPad (with the front camera) to come out and plus I'm sure it's going to cost hundreds more than the Tab.  I've been playing with it constantly and it's kind of funny because it feels like a giant version of my Droid Incredible.

The only thing is... can't video chat between tablet and computer.  Uhhggg!!!  Seriously?!  The techy geniuses out there can't make something for people in my/our situation to easily keep in touch?!  I suppose I'll have to lug my laptop back and forth to work everyday because this tablet skype idea is not going to work until he gets one too... which is going to be a long time.  If anyone out there has any ideas or suggestions, please share!

On a final positive note, we got to video chat for a long time today!  We even played a game of checkers online together!  It felt strange and sad at times thinking this was the best contact we'd have for a long time, but it was really awesome to talk and see each other in real time and feel closer to each other.  It's scary to think of what's still ahead, but we are both trying to do our best with what we have.

Day 5 - Photo of Myself 2 Years Ago

My niece and I out shopping.  Yummy string!

Day 4 - Favorite Photograph of My Best Friend

Of course my best friend is also the love of my life, and this is one of my favorite pictures of him.  There are many different sides to this man, and one of them is that he is a DJ in New York City on the weekends.  I took this pic of him when we were hanging out in the back room of his club.