I'm sorry

Well I fucked up again. All I do is fuck things up. I touch something, get involed with something, I end up fucking it up. Some how, some way, if I get involed something will always go wrong. Especially in relationships. I just can't be in them. I fucked up my relationship with Matthew and recently a wonderful man came into my life and I just fucked it up with him too. I'm such a hazard to myself and to others. It's just not meant to be for me. I don't deserve anyone to love me. And trust me, I have my reasons. I'm done dating. Unless by some divine intervention... I'm done. I can't stand myself and no one should have to deal with me either. Especially not wonderful people who deserve much better than what I give.

Can't be friends

It's great how something new and wonderful and exciting in my life can make me totally forget about Matthew and Dover and the whole F-ing mess that was my life. Well mostly forget. I got an email from him about two weeks ago that said he was sorry for not talking to me for a while but he just wanted to get over what happened and "didn't really want to hate me anymore". I was completely shocked because I did not think I was ever going to hear from him again, or at least not for a looong time, and I hoped not to either. He told me how he was, what he's been doing, and how he's feeling quite a bit happier now (good for you dude), and gave me the option to write or call if I wanted. I did write an email back saying that I missed him and because of that I know I'm not yet ready to be friends... but I never sent it. A part of me wants to write a new email (because even just two weeks later the one I wrote is already out of date) and tell him that I'm glad he's in a better place now but no I don't want to be friends because, for one thing, I don't think it would be appropriate... :)