So tomorrow is the big day. The big 3-0.

Lot of my mind today. This time exactly one year ago I was on my way to the train station to meet him for the first time. I was so excited that I got there 45 minutes early. I still remember the frequent texts we were sending each other while he was on the train, him updating me as to what stop he was at, him calling it Stanford instead of Stamford, me telling him I was sooo nervous. It was raining on and off about like it is today. I remember exactly what both of us wore and his smile that I was now seeing live for the first time. He brought me purple flowers. It was the best vacation I've ever had. Such a vivid, bittersweet memory.

I deactivated my facebook today because I realized those 41 people are not really my friends. I knew most of them at some point in my life but they are just another number on the list now. Some I've dated once or twice, some I've never met. A few I keep in somewhat regular contact with in real life, and I would call those as close to friends as I can truthfully say. I planned a sort of bar/birthday party for tonight. Had designated drivers, offered the house for people to crash and everything. Invited everyone on my friends list. Four people said yes/probably. One was my dad. One was my friend I've known since 1st grade. The other two I've gone on a few dates with. Can it get any more pathetic than that?! So I cancelled that shit.

Instead, I'm going to the casino with my brother, sister-in-law and someone I've been dating on and off. The two friends I've known the longest? One said no, the other is obviously avoiding the invitation. I am very disappointed by this and hope it will be understood when I reciprocate the action.

One thing that sucks about my birthday is that it's around and sometimes on Mother's Day and Special Olympics (which my brother participates in every year). This is probably very selfish to say, but I hate my birthday being overshadowed by these events. My mother asked me today when we were coming home on Sunday and I said I wasn't sure because I wanted to go somewhere before we came home. She didn't like that so I was like, "what, because it's Mother's Day"? And she said, "Uh, YEAH!!". Oh, I'm sorry. It's also my 30th birthday. This year, that is more important to me. Sorry if that makes me an ungrateful bitch but it's the truth.

I took care of the lack of love in my life and bought myself some goodies. An expensive handbag and a silver ring from Tiffany's. Happy Birthday to me.

I guess I need to get out of this house, stop feeling sorry for myself and start enjoying the last day being in my 20s. I may have no one to enjoy the day with, but that's nothing new obviously.