12 May 2009
You didn't write. Did you think about me? Did you remember? It was my birthday. Today was one year exactly since we fell in love in Philadelphia. The best day of my life. Remember sitting on that bench, your arm around me, my head on your shoulder, that girl walking by and smiling at us? Where are you tonight? Are you experiencing that awful sand? I wish I could be holding down the fort for us, but I know you are a strong man, the strongest I've ever met.
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15 comments:
I am confused, didn't you break up with him?
no i didn't.
Hey do you have a blog?
I did. Sort of do. For some reason it's been hard for me to finish a post so I stopped. I'm going to make a new one though so I'll keep you updated. Hopefully he has a good reason why he didn't call you.
The title and the topic. Never really pursued it though, but I'm going to soon. An excerpt.
The Diary of a Madman
On My Back
On my back staring at the ceiling, the tiles with a decorative pattern, cracks between them, clarifies that nothings perfect. The chandelier, missing it's gems, two out of x amount of bulbs still shine, nothings full to it's entirety. On my back staring at the ceiling, I saw the real world. I stared into my eyes, the devil lurking, the mirror showing, the truth. I saw a man, his eyes gleaming, his face telling a different story, a smile without a clue. He knows nothing, yet his eyes justifies his lies. He knows everything he wants to know, yet he is not happy. Sadness overcome by anger, he's terrifying, yet to himself, he's terrified. He hides, he's scared he might hurt someone. Someone he is so eager to hurt, someone that he has hurt, someone he is still hurting. I feel the pain. I hear my heart beat, the rush within my veins. I feel ashamed. How did I become this man, so destructive, deprivation, in need of self-destruction. He is a ticking time bomb, yet the clock is out of batteries, what a irony. He continues to bag and haul the thoughts encased just in case he finds what he needs. The trigger lie ahead, but on a treadmill he is running towards it. Faced with uncertainty, that is where he is headed. He's standing still, the many frills is all left dangling. On my back staring at the ceiling. The stars shimmer, the moon lit bright. The grass, soft and wet, the dew cooling him down. Paradise he is trapped in, he is going mad. The walls won't speak, to point him towards the door he solely seek. Happiness is all he know. He strives for experiences, not this entrapment that was chose. His mind races, his head twitches from side to side. The beautiful site of a shooting star, not beautiful enough to defeat the fact of death to it's beauty. He lays there, sheep. On my back staring at the ceiling, I saw the real world. I got up and laughed. My life on my back would never amount to this life I have, smiling at the ceiling, it's individuality so truly motivational, a movement, a pulse still pulsates within my head. I felt alive, my head up high; I was happy. I was me.
Well I think he has a couple of good reasons... one of them being that he is on deployment in the middle east right now. Another is that we aren't really speaking anymore.
Oh, never could understand long distant relationships, never really saw them as going far.
I didn't think long distance could work either, that's why I moved in, and that's what killed the relationship.
I like that... thanks for sharing.
Well how long where you together before you moved in? Timing is critical, especially when it comes to guys. The relationship isn't flat line just yet though, you just need to give it time.
Not long. It was a whirlwind relationship. The relationship is definitely dead, but there is a possibility for a friendship down the road. Obviously I'm still in love with him so being friends right now is not possible.
You will know soon, when and if a letter comes in the mail for you. Did you tell him?
Oh I do not want to get my hopes up of receiving anything from anyone in the mail... I'm way too much of a dreamer. He knew I was still in love with him, it took me a long time to "get over" him and what happened. When he emailed me a little while back I lied and said I was over it, that I was good and fine and happy. I realized that even though it was very difficult still having feelings for him, he held too big of a place in my heart to just not have him in my life anymore. So I had to lie, so he would be happy for me and we could eventually talk as friends. I could not just let him deploy without wishing him well and telling him that I was here for him and praying for him. Like I've said before, he will always be special to me even if we never speak again.
Wow. When you put it like that, it tells a different story, hopefully he realizes that, how much he means to you. Hopefully all your issues, life's dealings are resolved.
Sometimes I wish that he knew how much he means to me, sometimes I'm glad he doesn't because I know the feeling is not mutual.
That's love for you. Listening to Carrie Underwood's album, you might like it.
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