It's only been 45 days into this deployment and not only I am already feeling like we are in the thick of things (even though we totally are NOT), I've started to really have a chance to evaluate things and think about me and what I want. And what I don't want. And what the F*CK and I'm going to do?!?! Stressful to say the least.
I have to admit, there's a side to me that is so utterly bitter and angry, you do NOT even want to know the words I would like to spew out my mouth. They would be hurtful to some people and possibly things I'd regret spewing.
I don't know if I can do this. Or if it will be worth it. Or if I even want to. Who ever really knows, right?
Totally having doubts. Not feeling it. And honestly, wanting to get over it.
And just for fun, let's top it off a bit. Tomorrow I have an appointment for an ultrasound that will determine my future. Not only the future of me possibly having children, but of me being alive. Yes, it's kind of that serious. I told DB I have this appointment... which is veeerrrryyyyy long overdue and something he's been nagging me about for a loooonnnggg time ... and what is his response?
"Best of luck".
No. Best of luck to you, dude.
16 March 2011
11 March 2011
10 March 2011
40 Days
Yes, today marks 40 days since he left. As it turns out, it's also my 100th post.
40 days seems like some kind of milestone worth mentioning, but it's only about 6 weeks, which is really nothing. But even though it's only been a short time since he's been gone, I can't believe how much more stress I feel everyday. It wears me out emotionally. Would be nice if it would wear me out physically so I could sleep better, but no.
I wish I had something positive or witty or uplifting to write about but I don't. It's not like anyone is reading this anyway. Sometimes I just want to pour it all out on here instead of in my deployment journal which takes much more time and energy to do.
One more hour long commute to work, which will likely take two due to flooding, and then the same on the drive home, and then two days off with nothing planned. Nothing but a little less stress to deal with.
40 days seems like some kind of milestone worth mentioning, but it's only about 6 weeks, which is really nothing. But even though it's only been a short time since he's been gone, I can't believe how much more stress I feel everyday. It wears me out emotionally. Would be nice if it would wear me out physically so I could sleep better, but no.
I wish I had something positive or witty or uplifting to write about but I don't. It's not like anyone is reading this anyway. Sometimes I just want to pour it all out on here instead of in my deployment journal which takes much more time and energy to do.
One more hour long commute to work, which will likely take two due to flooding, and then the same on the drive home, and then two days off with nothing planned. Nothing but a little less stress to deal with.
06 March 2011
Sick of it all.
It's starting to get difficult now. My stress level is pretty high most of the time. I miss him terribly. Communication has decreased a lot. He doesn't have internet access for the foreseeable future. We don't know why, it's just shut off. Satellite phone is/has been a possibility but is mostly unreliable, which is very frustrating.
I did get to speak to him briefly last night and told him that my nieces were spending the weekend with me. He asked me where they were sleeping and I said "my bed". So he says, "your bed?" I corrected myself and said, "I mean, our bed, but it feels like it's just my bed now".
I'm totally drained. I keep telling him that I don't think I can do this much longer, but he only gets upset at me (read: angry, frustrated, etc). I say what's ahead of us is daunting. He says it may be, but it's not insurmountable.
Easy for him to say.
Two hours of my day is spent commuting to and from work - to a job I don't like in a state I don't live - but really that's four hours out of my day if you factor in the hour it takes me to get ready in the morning and the hour it takes me to settle in after I get home from work (changing, nuking dinner, planning the next day's lunch, unwinding...).
I hate my life right now. I'm grateful that I have a job and a home, because a lot of people don't even have those things, but I'm becoming very unhappy.
I did get to speak to him briefly last night and told him that my nieces were spending the weekend with me. He asked me where they were sleeping and I said "my bed". So he says, "your bed?" I corrected myself and said, "I mean, our bed, but it feels like it's just my bed now".
I'm totally drained. I keep telling him that I don't think I can do this much longer, but he only gets upset at me (read: angry, frustrated, etc). I say what's ahead of us is daunting. He says it may be, but it's not insurmountable.
Easy for him to say.
Two hours of my day is spent commuting to and from work - to a job I don't like in a state I don't live - but really that's four hours out of my day if you factor in the hour it takes me to get ready in the morning and the hour it takes me to settle in after I get home from work (changing, nuking dinner, planning the next day's lunch, unwinding...).
I hate my life right now. I'm grateful that I have a job and a home, because a lot of people don't even have those things, but I'm becoming very unhappy.
02 March 2011
UPS store clerk, I don't like you.
I give up on the photo challenge. Don't even know how many days behind I am, so oh well!
Last several days have been sort of an emotional roller coaster. I go from feeling like the luckiest girl on earth to have such a wonderful man in my life to feeling like I cannot survive another day of this deployment trying to be sooo strong when I really don't think I'm that strong. People tell me that I am. Matt even tells me that I am much stronger physically, mentally and emotionally than I realize. When I think about it, he's probably right. I think that goes for everyone though. I am trying to hold it together, and I do think I've done pretty well so far, but sometimes I just break down.
Like today after I left the UPS store... maybe I was being dumb or just overly hopeful, but I brought one of those APO/FPO Priority Mail flat rate boxes from the USPS to the store today hoping they could mail it out for me. I asked if they mailed out post office stuff and the clerk looks at the box (which clearly says what it is) and he's like, welllll I guess we could. So I wait as he tries to figure out how to input into the computer the mailing address with his manager, he's chatting with me about deployment and the recent killings in Germany (my God, how tragic), and he actually asked and seemed interested in how and where he is, but I was counting the minutes until I need to get back to work. I had eaten my lunch during my 15 minute morning break so that I would have enough time to drive to the UPS store (didn't have enough time to drive to the real post office) so that I could mail out the care package during my lunch. Well, after all that, he tells me the total price and of course its way above the flat rate price I was expecting. Soooo, I angrily took my package back and I got very upset. My lunchtime is the only time Matt and I get to chat, so here I am driving back to work, crying AND texting (actually IMing) him on my phone. Having a breakdown, saying I can't take the stress and I try so hard and always fail, and I just want to do nice things for him and he doesn't appreciate it (HUH?!) It makes no sense why, but I had a meltdown.
Last several days have been sort of an emotional roller coaster. I go from feeling like the luckiest girl on earth to have such a wonderful man in my life to feeling like I cannot survive another day of this deployment trying to be sooo strong when I really don't think I'm that strong. People tell me that I am. Matt even tells me that I am much stronger physically, mentally and emotionally than I realize. When I think about it, he's probably right. I think that goes for everyone though. I am trying to hold it together, and I do think I've done pretty well so far, but sometimes I just break down.
Like today after I left the UPS store... maybe I was being dumb or just overly hopeful, but I brought one of those APO/FPO Priority Mail flat rate boxes from the USPS to the store today hoping they could mail it out for me. I asked if they mailed out post office stuff and the clerk looks at the box (which clearly says what it is) and he's like, welllll I guess we could. So I wait as he tries to figure out how to input into the computer the mailing address with his manager, he's chatting with me about deployment and the recent killings in Germany (my God, how tragic), and he actually asked and seemed interested in how and where he is, but I was counting the minutes until I need to get back to work. I had eaten my lunch during my 15 minute morning break so that I would have enough time to drive to the UPS store (didn't have enough time to drive to the real post office) so that I could mail out the care package during my lunch. Well, after all that, he tells me the total price and of course its way above the flat rate price I was expecting. Soooo, I angrily took my package back and I got very upset. My lunchtime is the only time Matt and I get to chat, so here I am driving back to work, crying AND texting (actually IMing) him on my phone. Having a breakdown, saying I can't take the stress and I try so hard and always fail, and I just want to do nice things for him and he doesn't appreciate it (HUH?!) It makes no sense why, but I had a meltdown.
24 February 2011
Hey deployment... YOU SUCK.
Feeling really bitter lately about this whole deployment thing. Don't have anything nice to say, so I will say nothing at all.
22 February 2011
A bit bitter maybe? More like a lot.
"How is he doing?!" "Can I have his address?" "What time is it there?!" "Wow he's deployed?!" "Do you get to talk?" "What is he doing?" "Is it like normal work?" "Does he need anything?" "Can I send him something?"
HELLO PEOPLE. He chose this life. He's been doing it for almost 20 years. HE CAN MANAGE JUST FINE. Trust me. Me on the other hand?! I could use a little attention. HE'S FINE. We live in a world with internet and wifi... you wanna send a fucking letter?! Did you even ask how I'm doing?! I'm the one who's stress is manifesting physically. I'm the one who has to live in our house and sleep in our bed alone. I'm the one who just has to carry on like this doesn't affect me. Because WOW he's deployed?! OMG. Yeah, he is. You never heard of such a thing?! And the fucking kicker today... he told people on facebook to email him if anyone wants his address. SOLICITING?! That's what put me over the edge tonight. So pissed off I feel like screaming. The people left behind don't matter.
HELLO PEOPLE. He chose this life. He's been doing it for almost 20 years. HE CAN MANAGE JUST FINE. Trust me. Me on the other hand?! I could use a little attention. HE'S FINE. We live in a world with internet and wifi... you wanna send a fucking letter?! Did you even ask how I'm doing?! I'm the one who's stress is manifesting physically. I'm the one who has to live in our house and sleep in our bed alone. I'm the one who just has to carry on like this doesn't affect me. Because WOW he's deployed?! OMG. Yeah, he is. You never heard of such a thing?! And the fucking kicker today... he told people on facebook to email him if anyone wants his address. SOLICITING?! That's what put me over the edge tonight. So pissed off I feel like screaming. The people left behind don't matter.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)