Can't be friends

It's great how something new and wonderful and exciting in my life can make me totally forget about Matthew and Dover and the whole F-ing mess that was my life. Well mostly forget. I got an email from him about two weeks ago that said he was sorry for not talking to me for a while but he just wanted to get over what happened and "didn't really want to hate me anymore". I was completely shocked because I did not think I was ever going to hear from him again, or at least not for a looong time, and I hoped not to either. He told me how he was, what he's been doing, and how he's feeling quite a bit happier now (good for you dude), and gave me the option to write or call if I wanted. I did write an email back saying that I missed him and because of that I know I'm not yet ready to be friends... but I never sent it. A part of me wants to write a new email (because even just two weeks later the one I wrote is already out of date) and tell him that I'm glad he's in a better place now but no I don't want to be friends because, for one thing, I don't think it would be appropriate... :)

I've always been patriotic, and when I lived in Dover with him the first thing I planted outside when I moved there was a little American flag. In April when it started warming up outside, I started thinking about getting a little flag to display outside again. Partly because I just think it's a good thing to do and partly because to me it's a small way of showing my support for our troops. I contemplated asking him to mail me the flag that we flew outside our home in Dover. So that I could fly "our" flag in his honor. But then I decided not to because when he gets back from his deployment, I want him to fly that flag outside his home again. I want that flag to stay in Delaware waiting for him to return. So I bought a new one and every time I look at it I think of how grateful I am to the people who fight for our safety and our freedom.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about him and pray for him.

i hate silence. almost 30. no end in sight. everything "real" is of no substance. the only thing i live for is knowing i'm the world to one person, and i can't let her down. so bored, always bored. waiting, always waiting. it's the worst. about as bad as being anxious. but not nearly as bad as feeling forgotten, unimportant, unwanted.

Crying. Thinking of you. Want to be there. Can imagine being there, can see every inch of the place, and it's torture. The porch, the chairs. The living room, the couch. The kitchen. My room. Your room. My bathroom. Your bathroom. Watering the lawn. You picking me up and holding me under the sprinkler. Everything is a reminder. Especially now that it's almost been a year. Philadelphia. D.C. Dover. Best time of my life. I pray for you every day. So scared but know you will be ok. So proud of you. Every time i see an airplane i think of how proud i am of you. I miss you. More than words could ever, ever express.

The most heartbreaking thing about all of this is... you told me you don't feel the same way... that you don't ever see us being together again. So all i can do is love you in secret. And pray to God for your safety.

I'm sorry

Well I fucked up again. All I do is fuck things up. I touch something, get involed with something, I end up fucking it up. Some how, some way, if I get involed something will always go wrong. Especially in relationships. I just can't be in them. I fucked up my relationship with Matthew and recently a wonderful man came into my life and I just fucked it up with him too. I'm such a hazard to myself and to others. It's just not meant to be for me. I don't deserve anyone to love me. And trust me, I have my reasons. I'm done dating. Unless by some divine intervention... I'm done. I can't stand myself and no one should have to deal with me either. Especially not wonderful people who deserve much better than what I give.

Can't be friends

It's great how something new and wonderful and exciting in my life can make me totally forget about Matthew and Dover and the whole F-ing mess that was my life. Well mostly forget. I got an email from him about two weeks ago that said he was sorry for not talking to me for a while but he just wanted to get over what happened and "didn't really want to hate me anymore". I was completely shocked because I did not think I was ever going to hear from him again, or at least not for a looong time, and I hoped not to either. He told me how he was, what he's been doing, and how he's feeling quite a bit happier now (good for you dude), and gave me the option to write or call if I wanted. I did write an email back saying that I missed him and because of that I know I'm not yet ready to be friends... but I never sent it. A part of me wants to write a new email (because even just two weeks later the one I wrote is already out of date) and tell him that I'm glad he's in a better place now but no I don't want to be friends because, for one thing, I don't think it would be appropriate... :)

Can't stay away for too long. Have too much to say and can't say it all in facebook status messages! Well I really don't have much of anything to say with substance, but I've been doing this for too long (on various blogs) so I couldn't stay away forever.