So tomorrow is the big day. The big 3-0.

Lot of my mind today. This time exactly one year ago I was on my way to the train station to meet him for the first time. I was so excited that I got there 45 minutes early. I still remember the frequent texts we were sending each other while he was on the train, him updating me as to what stop he was at, him calling it Stanford instead of Stamford, me telling him I was sooo nervous. It was raining on and off about like it is today. I remember exactly what both of us wore and his smile that I was now seeing live for the first time. He brought me purple flowers. It was the best vacation I've ever had. Such a vivid, bittersweet memory.

I deactivated my facebook today because I realized those 41 people are not really my friends. I knew most of them at some point in my life but they are just another number on the list now. Some I've dated once or twice, some I've never met. A few I keep in somewhat regular contact with in real life, and I would call those as close to friends as I can truthfully say. I planned a sort of bar/birthday party for tonight. Had designated drivers, offered the house for people to crash and everything. Invited everyone on my friends list. Four people said yes/probably. One was my dad. One was my friend I've known since 1st grade. The other two I've gone on a few dates with. Can it get any more pathetic than that?! So I cancelled that shit.

Instead, I'm going to the casino with my brother, sister-in-law and someone I've been dating on and off. The two friends I've known the longest? One said no, the other is obviously avoiding the invitation. I am very disappointed by this and hope it will be understood when I reciprocate the action.

One thing that sucks about my birthday is that it's around and sometimes on Mother's Day and Special Olympics (which my brother participates in every year). This is probably very selfish to say, but I hate my birthday being overshadowed by these events. My mother asked me today when we were coming home on Sunday and I said I wasn't sure because I wanted to go somewhere before we came home. She didn't like that so I was like, "what, because it's Mother's Day"? And she said, "Uh, YEAH!!". Oh, I'm sorry. It's also my 30th birthday. This year, that is more important to me. Sorry if that makes me an ungrateful bitch but it's the truth.

I took care of the lack of love in my life and bought myself some goodies. An expensive handbag and a silver ring from Tiffany's. Happy Birthday to me.

I guess I need to get out of this house, stop feeling sorry for myself and start enjoying the last day being in my 20s. I may have no one to enjoy the day with, but that's nothing new obviously.

Can't be friends

It's great how something new and wonderful and exciting in my life can make me totally forget about Matthew and Dover and the whole F-ing mess that was my life. Well mostly forget. I got an email from him about two weeks ago that said he was sorry for not talking to me for a while but he just wanted to get over what happened and "didn't really want to hate me anymore". I was completely shocked because I did not think I was ever going to hear from him again, or at least not for a looong time, and I hoped not to either. He told me how he was, what he's been doing, and how he's feeling quite a bit happier now (good for you dude), and gave me the option to write or call if I wanted. I did write an email back saying that I missed him and because of that I know I'm not yet ready to be friends... but I never sent it. A part of me wants to write a new email (because even just two weeks later the one I wrote is already out of date) and tell him that I'm glad he's in a better place now but no I don't want to be friends because, for one thing, I don't think it would be appropriate... :)

I've always been patriotic, and when I lived in Dover with him the first thing I planted outside when I moved there was a little American flag. In April when it started warming up outside, I started thinking about getting a little flag to display outside again. Partly because I just think it's a good thing to do and partly because to me it's a small way of showing my support for our troops. I contemplated asking him to mail me the flag that we flew outside our home in Dover. So that I could fly "our" flag in his honor. But then I decided not to because when he gets back from his deployment, I want him to fly that flag outside his home again. I want that flag to stay in Delaware waiting for him to return. So I bought a new one and every time I look at it I think of how grateful I am to the people who fight for our safety and our freedom.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about him and pray for him.

i hate silence. almost 30. no end in sight. everything "real" is of no substance. the only thing i live for is knowing i'm the world to one person, and i can't let her down. so bored, always bored. waiting, always waiting. it's the worst. about as bad as being anxious. but not nearly as bad as feeling forgotten, unimportant, unwanted.

Crying. Thinking of you. Want to be there. Can imagine being there, can see every inch of the place, and it's torture. The porch, the chairs. The living room, the couch. The kitchen. My room. Your room. My bathroom. Your bathroom. Watering the lawn. You picking me up and holding me under the sprinkler. Everything is a reminder. Especially now that it's almost been a year. Philadelphia. D.C. Dover. Best time of my life. I pray for you every day. So scared but know you will be ok. So proud of you. Every time i see an airplane i think of how proud i am of you. I miss you. More than words could ever, ever express.

The most heartbreaking thing about all of this is... you told me you don't feel the same way... that you don't ever see us being together again. So all i can do is love you in secret. And pray to God for your safety.

I'm sorry

Well I fucked up again. All I do is fuck things up. I touch something, get involed with something, I end up fucking it up. Some how, some way, if I get involed something will always go wrong. Especially in relationships. I just can't be in them. I fucked up my relationship with Matthew and recently a wonderful man came into my life and I just fucked it up with him too. I'm such a hazard to myself and to others. It's just not meant to be for me. I don't deserve anyone to love me. And trust me, I have my reasons. I'm done dating. Unless by some divine intervention... I'm done. I can't stand myself and no one should have to deal with me either. Especially not wonderful people who deserve much better than what I give.

Can't be friends

It's great how something new and wonderful and exciting in my life can make me totally forget about Matthew and Dover and the whole F-ing mess that was my life. Well mostly forget. I got an email from him about two weeks ago that said he was sorry for not talking to me for a while but he just wanted to get over what happened and "didn't really want to hate me anymore". I was completely shocked because I did not think I was ever going to hear from him again, or at least not for a looong time, and I hoped not to either. He told me how he was, what he's been doing, and how he's feeling quite a bit happier now (good for you dude), and gave me the option to write or call if I wanted. I did write an email back saying that I missed him and because of that I know I'm not yet ready to be friends... but I never sent it. A part of me wants to write a new email (because even just two weeks later the one I wrote is already out of date) and tell him that I'm glad he's in a better place now but no I don't want to be friends because, for one thing, I don't think it would be appropriate... :)